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Elder Humor

We laugh often at peer support meetings. Humor is a healthy, positive way of coping with a difficult situation.  None of these is intended to be offensive or demeaning to older adults.  They are intended to lighten your load.  Enjoy!  

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Widowhood - True Story
My client's husband had just died. She and her daughter and grandson went to eat at a crowded restaurant (hard to hear), where they were seated at a round table. 

She said, "I just realized I'm a widow."
Her grandson, who is across the table and can't hear exactly what she said says, "No, you're not."
Her daughter, right by the widow, said to the grandson, "No honey, she is a widow."
To which the grandson replied, "Well, she's not any more a weirdo than she ever was."


Hearing Aids Help!!
   An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .
  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
  The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

NOTABLE QUOTES

 "It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how they are themselves."
                                                          -Carl Jung

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
~~~Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha)  

 The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
 The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
 Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
 The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
 Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
 Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when  Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People

 

I have decided that despite the "hangin hiney", the wrinkles that can no longer be held up with scotch tape behind my ears, the eye lids with a dab of super glue for that "wide eyed awake" look, and a tummy that looks like a bowling ball when I stand up, but has more wrinkles and rolls than a prune when I lay down, the shoulders that are insisting on rolling forward, and knees that beg not to be bent....despite all of that....I HAVE DECIDED

I have decided that I am NOT getting older.     I am merely ripening.


 

MY LIVING WILL
   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that happens, just pull the plug.”
   They got up, unplugged the television, and threw out my wine.
 Assholes.

 Whadya Say?  An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.  So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.  The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
    "Here's what you do," said the doctor.  "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal, speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room.  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
    So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"  Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
    So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.  "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for supper?"
    "Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN" 

 LATE LIFE PREGNANCY
     A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.  After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.  She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
      An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.  After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
      Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.  "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.  "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" 
      The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
  "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
    "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." 

 


MIXED UP TESTS
     The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?'
  'Mrs. Adams, this is Dr. Jones at Saint Lukes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Adams arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
    'What do you mean?' Mrs. Adams asks nervously.
 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
    'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Adams.
 'Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
    'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

************
 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?"  the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

CHARMING COSTCO STORY
   Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Molson, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
   I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.!
  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear-end and a car hit us both.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 DYING IN THE HOLY LAND

 

    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.”

 

     The husband thought about it, and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150???"

 

     The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

 

 

 

 

JOB APPLICATION

 

This is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in

 

California. They hired him because he was funny.....

 

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

 

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,

 

whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be

 

applying here in the first place

 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

 

post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more

 

intimate environment .

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

 

'Do you have a car that runs?'

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may

 

already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST

 

OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

 

 

***Old People Rock! ***

 

 

 

 

AMAZING EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

 

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

 

     With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

 

     Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags.

 

     Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. I'm already at this level!

 

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. 

 

 

 

 

The Bathtub Test 

 

 

  During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "how do you determine whether or not an older person should be  put in an Elder Care Home?"

 

     "Well", he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub".

 

      "Oh, I understand", I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger, then the spoon or the teacup".

 

     "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" 

 

 

 

 

Another True Story

 

 

 A young man’s grandmother was hospitalized in another city. He got word that his parents had left town suddenly to travel to this city. He called the hospital to ask about his grandmother, and was told, “She’s not with us anymore.” He sadly packed his suitcase and cancelled his appointments for the next few days in preparation for a memorial service. 

 

 

 When he arrived, he found that his parents had taken his well grandmother home from the hospital. True story! 

Norman Counsins

 Norman Cousins was a pioneer in the field of therapeutic humor. He told the following story: 
When I was in the hospital, I had a “We” nurse. She began each sentence with “How are we today?” and “We need to have a bath.” 

This really irritated me, so I decided to play a little joke on her. One day, she brought in a specimen cup and requested a urine sample. After she left, I poured my apple juice into the cup. When she returned for the specimen, she observed it and noted, “My we’re a little cloudy today, aren’t we?”

I asked to see it, removed the lid and said, “Yup, better run it through again, and drank it. The look of shock on her face was priceless.” www.nursetogether.com/nursing-humor-and-the-power-of-pee#sthash.OOACybDm.dpuf 


Gardening with Grandma 

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date in a see-through blouse and no bra. 

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes. 

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... 

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.


 Priceless Observations Department: 

 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'    Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  - Will Rogers

 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.  - George Burns

 I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'     Eleanor Roosevelt

“Paraprosdokians” are figures of speech in which the latter part is surprising or unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them. 

 1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

 2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 3. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 4. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 5. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


GRANDCHILDREN'S WISDOM

 My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

 My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'  I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

 Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.  They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' 
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear.  They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'  When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted badly.

The Church Fart

An elderly couple are attending church services together. About halfway through the  service, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. 
The note says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” 
The husband scribbles back,  Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” 

GROW OLD ALONG WITH ME  

   Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  
   One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."  
   Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 
 

 
WHAT I HAVE
I have had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, 
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes, 
Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia, 
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, Have lost all my friends, 
But.....Thank Heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!
 
HYMNS FOR THE OVER 50 CROWD 
 1.  Precious Lord, Take My Hand, and Help Me Up 
 2.  It is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt 
 3.  Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing 
 4.  Just a Slower Walk with Thee 
 5.  Count your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One 
 6.  Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up 
 7.  Give Me the Old Timers' Religion 
 8.  Blessed Insurance 
 9.  Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked 
  
"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."    -Rose Kennedy

TWO OLD LADIES 
  Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.  
Lady 1: What's that?  
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.  
Lady 1: Where did you get it?  
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.  
 The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.  
   Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.  
The pharmacist fainted.  
  
Did you hear about the elderly gentleman who streaked through a flower show? 
He won 1st prize for a dried arrangement!

 
DIVORCING AFTER 45 YEARS 
     An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;  forty-five years of misery is enough."  
     "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  
 "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.  
    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  
     She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.  
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."  

   1. Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
   2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your cane.  
   3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 
   4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.  
   5. Maturity is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, 
   and when to say WHOOPEE! 
   6. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.  
   7. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.  
   8. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.  
   9. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.  
   10. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 
   11. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks. 
   12. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.  
   13. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.  

INDIAN TRADE
  Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
   As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
   With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
    Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
   'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
      'Good trade....
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST  
   First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. 

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